Your nerves are all fluttery and your palms are sweaty. You’re ready to take that next big step in the internet dating scene- you’re going to take it from IM to cam. This is a pretty smart way to actually make sure the person you’re talking to really is who they say they are, but also a way to guage someone’s facial expressions as they speak in a way you just can’t do via text based medium. So, how are you going to make it so this internet first impression is a good one? There are a few technical tips and tricks that can make your camming experience one where you’re looking good and feeling confident.

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The Technicalities

The single biggest mistake that most make when initiating a cam chat is having a light on behind their head. This is usually a ceiling light and you know, you can’t help that- maybe you want to come across like a real angel, but that halo’s not going to be doing you any favors. So how do you set up more favorable lighting that doesn’t make you seem cloaked in shadow? Really easy trick- two smaller lamps on either side of your desk. Sort of position them slightly diagonal to your cam, so that they are not bright lighting the cam itself but also not casting a bright glow on your face, washing it out. The look you are trying to achieve here is usually brought with a lighter, dimmer lighting, but just enough so that your features are visible.
Also, make sure that your speed is on par with what the cam can handle- if you aren’t running the optimal internet speed for the cam you have, your visual will be jerky and delayed.

You, Yourself

So you might be considering slathering on some make up if you’re going on cam- don’t. Less is more because even with the dim lighting described above, the cam will enhance the darker features- so if you have gobs of eyemake up and lipstick on, it’s going to show through much more pronounced, making you appear to have put on much more than you did. Same goes for men- if you’re camming with a slight 5 o’clock shadow, you are going to find that you’ve got a serious case of the Grizzley Addams effect going on to the person you’re chatting with. Now, if you have a beard, that’s fine- but if you’re usually cleanly shaved, it’s best you don’t stop now. Also, another thing to remember is an earth toned shirt. Don’t go for black, that will wash out your face and make you appear paler than you are- as will a lighter colored shirt. Earth tones, muted blues, greys and soft pinks or greens are often best. Your hair’s not going to be such a big deal, but you may want to toss it a little if you’ve longer hair so that it does not appear plastered to your head. If you have shorter hair, running your fingers through is usually sufficient.

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Understanding that first and formost, jealousy is not an appropriate sign of affection is key- true, jealousy is natural and many people feel it at some point or another. However, if you are one of those people who feels that jealousy is a way that your partner shows they care, you need to reevaluate a few things. It isn’t. What jealousy says is that they do not feel that they can trust you on some level- and sure it is wonderful to feel like we are a desirable person but there are much healthier ways to go about it than acting on negative feelings.

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Talking About Jealousy

If your partner is expressing jealousy to you, there is a right way and a wrong way to talk about it. First of all, if you have a partner who is expressing jealousy in abusive ways- insults and attempts to isolate are very bad. They are red flags that have to be addressed, not pushed under the rug. Make sure that your partner is simply insecure and not bordering on abusive. If it is simply a case of insecurity, you may want to talk about the reasons behind that insecurity- and what you can both do to come together to make it better. It may mean seeking out individual or couples’ counseling depending on the level of insecurity expressed or where that comes from exactly. Also bear in mind often this insecurity honestly has nothing to do with you- but something long seated that may be needing addressed and healed so that your partner can move on and be happy.

When you are discussing jealousy, be sure to keep your partner on track- they need to be talking about their feelings and owning them for what they are, not focused on your behavior and placing blame, which can be a hard things at times to avoid. Helping them to communicate without blaming, without attacking you is difficult, as you also are trying to maintain a rational, calm and clear line of communication as well, so this is where some do find that couples’ counseling or a mediator can be very useful.

Your partner needs to understand that their behaviors are not healthy, and that they are causing you hurt as well as hurting themselves- and if you cannot express this in a healthy, calm way yourself- you’re going to have a problem. So, before you engage in this sort of discussion make sure you, yourself are not angry.

Being able to work through having a jealous partner is not easy and it often takes a mutual commitment to making the relationship work and helping ease the insecurities. However, do not take this to mean that you have to isolate yourself in order to help them to feel less insecure- you do not. You do, however need to help them to see that these insecurities they have can be dealt with and that they can be happier and more secure in the relationship via very open communication and occasional compromise.

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At some point in many relationships one partner decides that it is really time to just call it quits. If you’re in a casual relationship, this should be a fairly painless process of saying it simply has run its course, but unfortunately, it rarely ever is. Sometimes, one person in the relationship has been building up expectations in their head- and that may be what trips your trigger into thinking it’s time to end it. It may be that you have begun to notice that your casual partner is getting a little less than casual lately and you don’t want to hurt anyone or lead anyone on, so you make the choice to simply end things. There are right things to do here, and there are wrong things to do here.

It Ain’t Over Til It’s Over

If you do not simply end things- that is straight out say that you are finished, then you are doing it wrong. There is no kind way to say that, but if you’ve been romantically involved with someone, no matter what the level of commitment is, and you suddenly stop calling- that’s not going to be the right way to go about it. Make sure that you are clear and to the point without being tactless here and simply cut the tie. First and formost, if you are ending it, end it- don’t leave it dangle so the person wonders why, or if you are really ending it. Also, even if it was just a casual thing- never, ever do this via text, phone or email. Just don’t.

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Explain This

Another vital part of the ending process is actually explaining why. Please, don’t even bother using, “It’s not you, it’s me”- that line has become the biggest joke around and nobody ever believes it. List your reasons. If it is in fact because someone simply started to get too many feelings, tell them that you are not ready to be in a relationship and you could tell that things were getting a bit too intense- and be prepared to stand your ground. Inevitably, if someone was getting too into you, they probably will either take one of two courses next. They’ll either claim they can pull back- they can’t, or they will backpedal. You probably did not misread the signs, so don’t allow either to sway you if you really do feel that it is simply not something you want to continue.

The way that you end a casual relationship should be short, sweet and to the point. Don’t allow yourself to be vague about it, either- they need to know exactly why you feel it cannot go on, and do not ever say that you were developing feelings and you are simply afraid. Sure, that’s a kind way initially- but it is usually the ultimate lead on, rather than the ending you want.

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Common First Date Flubs

The horror stories are out there if you want to look for them, sometimes even if you don’t. Have you ever been sitting there, talking to someone when they go into a long story about a first date gone wrong? Did it make you wonder what that person was thinking, or did it make you think about all the times you’ve had first dates and wonder if you weren’t, in fact, one of those first date flubs?

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Too Nervous

Often times, being too nervous can cause a plethora of issues. Sure, it is perfectly normal to be a bit nervous, but if you’re so nervous you are sweating through your shirt, you may have a bit of a problem. Working on being able to calm yourself at least somewhat before that first date may be a good way to go about things, or perhaps even opting for a stronger antiperspirant. Also, be careful of talking either too much or not enough on a date- either one can make for one serious first date disaster, and that’s not something you want to have happen. Make sure that you are just going along with the flow of conversation, keep things fluid and light and it should go fairly well.

Too Much, Too Soon

You may have some really great goals for the future and some big dreams you are thinking about, but the first date is definitely not the time to talk about them. Sure, everyone wants that long term, stable future- but initiating that conversation on the first date is a sure fire way to throw up a red flag that is often hard for people to ignore. Also, steer clear of talks about former relationships, how they ended and what happened there. Just stick to basic getting to know you topics or perhaps current events and maintain a respectful sort of aloof. This usually is the very best way to keep things going in a more positive direction.

On the whole, really the best way to avoid the first date flubs is to try to relax and have a good time- be yourself, but a little more polite. Make sure that you aren’t getting yourself so worked up prior to the first date that you really jangle your nerves. Being able to avoid a first date flub might just be as simple as taking a few breaths and mentally getting yourself slowed down, it may mean just making sure that you are cooler under pressure than you thought you’d be. Either way, calm, relaxed and you will find that a first date can lead to a second.

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