Being responsible sexually in this day and age has quite possibly never been more vital. More and more sexually transmitted diseases are on the rise, and there’s always that risk that something may happen. So, how do you open the talk with a new potential lover without it being awkward? The truth is, you probably won’t be able to- it’s going to be just a bit awkward, initially no matter how you slice it.  However, making sure that a few things are clear prior to the moment will enable this to go over much more smoothly.

Condoms Aren’t Just For Pregnancy Prevention

Many women play it risky thinking that either they wouldn’t mind having a baby, or perhaps they’ve either been through a procedure that renders them sterile, or perhaps because they are on hormonal birth control. This is greatly reflected in the huge gender imbalance in STD rates. Statistically speaking, according to the CDC, in a group of 100,000 people- 543 cases of chlamydia in women were reported, versus 190 men. For secondary stage syphilis, 9,886 women were diagnosed, versus 1,752 men. Of course these are curable sexually transmitted diseases, whereas HIV infection is the 5th leading cause of death for women ages 35-44, and 6th for women 25-34. There are many common misconceptions about HIV/AIDs transmission, but know this- high risk heterosexual contact accounts for 80 percent of all newly diagnosed cases.

Understanding that yes, it can happen to you and sometimes- it can also happen in tandem with a pregnancy is something that many teens are now finding themselves confronted with the harsh reality of. Teen pregnancy and STD transmission rates have been rising- nearly half of all new infections are people between the ages of 15 and 24.

How To Initiate the Talk

Just being frank is best. You know when the chemistry is getting to the point where you are starting to think about having sex with your new partner, and before you do- that’s when the talk needs to happen. There really is no reason to be afraid to have the talk, just get it out in the open in a frank, adult way. For either gender, insisting on a condom is absolutely the only way you can possibly protect yourself from transmission, apart from abstinence. If you aren’t insisting on a condom, you’re putting yourself at risk. The truth of the matter is, especially for women- women are often more symptomatic of most STDs than men are, in the case of HIV; some people don’t show any symptoms at all, so they never think to be tested. So, simply having your partner tell you that they are clean is not precaution enough. Part of your talk needs to include the fact that you do not risk yourself in having unprotected sex- sure, it may put some off, but do you really want to be with someone who is that casual about your safety and well being, anyway?

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At some point or another, the issue may come up for some- do you or do you not go after that married or partnered person? If they are also showing signs that they are into you, this can be made a little harder, but the truth of the matter is dating someone who is already involved with another person in a monogamous relationship is never a very good idea. Everyone who has done it has had that hope and expectation that it would work out, but it rarely ever does and thinking you’ll be the rare exception is usually setting yourself up for a fall.

Unhappy Relationship?

The most common excuse that we have seen for a cheater is that the relationship is unhappy but they cannot leave. Usually, this is due to “the children” but in reality, all it is, is an excuse. Sure, there’s obviously something not quite right in the relationship if they are seeking others but if you’re in the market for something serious you have to ask yourself, is this their solution to the problems? Generally, a cheater will throw out a bunch of excuses as to how hard they tried or how it just didn’t work but the truth of the matter is: they are still there. The best question that you can ask yourself, apart from wondering if this is the way that they solve problems, is also- do you think they would do this to you? Do you find yourself unable to answer that? There’s a reason. You can’t. If you feel that for sure they would never, ever cheat on you- then you’ve probably got a small issue with the reality of the situation. No, the old adage of ‘once a cheater, always a cheater’ is not true- however, being able to figure out just why they chose this rather than simply leaving a situation that is no good for them is key. Another still yet is the mental stability of the spouse or partner- because, you know, catching your partner cheating is so much easier on a fragile emotional state than simply having it end, right?

They’re Going to Leave

This is the other one- ask anyone who has ever been involved with a married or partnered person for a long amount of time and they have likely heard at some point, “I’m going to leave, I just need to…” Insert whatever excuse they have, whatever thing needs straightening so they can leave. Ask them again, if it ever happened. Usually, the answer is no. Some who have been in very long term affairs will buy this one for years before they wise up, some never do. We have heard countless stories of affairs that have gone on for even up to a decade or more and the lover always believes that one day, there will be a split. If the person has been able to do this for this long without leaving, why is there still hope? We don’t know, it’s beyond us, too.

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Do You Want To Work It Out?

If you want to continue to have a relationship with your partner, you need to take a step back and not do this. If you want to work things out with your partner, then you don’t want to cheat. You may be thinking you won’t get caught or it will hurt no one, but the chances are good that you will get caught and someone will get hurt. One of the things that we have seen countless times is not so much that the cheating partner made a mistake- but that the person that he or she cheated with decided they’d had enough of being on the side. This usually results in someone making a big confessional that you really do not want to deal with, but especially if you want to work things out with your partner. In short, if this relationship is worth saving to you, don’t try to bring someone else into it. Seek counseling and help and really work on it. Addressing the problems that have you at this point before they get worse will enable you to perhaps salvage something that you didn’t want to lose in the first place?

It Really Is Over

If your relationship is really beyond all repair, you lose nothing really in ending it before you do decide to see someone else. If for no other reason apart from being able to make a clean break and start over, but then there’s the added benefit- if you are trying to initiate a new relationship with someone, you don’t need that hanging over your head. If you seek something serious, the other person will always wonder if the cheating wasn’t a long term pattern and you begin the new relationship with a certain lack of trust. If you’re just looking to have fun- well, there is nothing fun about being caught cheating. It usually ends in a massive amount of drama and sure, that will be a way of ending things- but not the way that you want. Ending a relationship via getting caught cheating usually results in a lack of closure for the other person, and can cause some residual drama as your former partner imagines that it was the fault of the person you cheated with.

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There are a number of questions people will ask before they get married, however, understanding that a domestic partnership, or living together can often be just as significant as being married is very important. Knowing that for some, living together or being committed in this way is quite the same as being married is a good start, and being able to make sure that you’re really ready is still vital to making it last. It is never easy to live with someone else, even more so when this is someone who you may be contemplating long term life plans with

The Long Road

The first things that have to be established are the long term goals and plans of each partner. This should be at least in respect to the relationship. Yes, prior to moving in is most definitely the time to be asking about such things as long term monogamy, children, and what sort of path you expect or hope the relationship will take. These are the most important of the discussions you should have, and expectations, hopes and dreams must be expressed and clear prior to moving in together. If one partner wants children and the other does not- this could be a recipe for disaster. It may be that one partner wants kids, but just isn’t ready yet, and that, too has to be taken into account. Don’t go into a long term, living together relationship thinking that maybe one day your partner’s views will change. True, they may, but is that a gamble you really want to take?

Practical Questions

Who changes the cat box? Do we even have cats? These may seem like small things- but these little chores and such can become a big bone of contention with partners. Being sure you know what you expect done and what you expect to do prior to living with someone else is best. Sure, you will have that time of adjustment where you are just figuring out how things are but knowing who is doing what or what sort of arrangements you want to have will help the transition be that much smoother. Also, make sure that you work out the money prior to moving in. Many great relationships got really messed over because one partner said, “Oh don’t worry about it, we’ll figure it out later!” and then found themselves footing all of the bills and dealing with more than they could handle. Sitting down with each other and working out not only an effective budget, but a plan for how things will be laid out between you can solve a world of problems before they even become problems. Remember, the easiest way to resolve a problem, is by not having it happen in the first place.

Having a well thought out line of communication before you make the choice to move in together is always a really strong foundation in a long term relationship. If things are rushed in this regard, typically, there are messes and confusion to deal with which could have been better avoided with just a bit of for sight.

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