If you’re looking for perfection, you are likely going to be disappointed.  No one is perfect and, if they were, then they would be looking for another perfect person.  Don’t expect more from someone else than you expect from yourself.  Don’t expect a relationship to solve all of your problems and fulfill all of your hopes and dreams.  A realistic relationship has its ups and downs but, overall, makes you happier and your life more complete. 

2.   Be Aware of What is Going On

Be cognizant of what your date is feeling and thinking.  Be aware of what you are feeling and thinking.  How is this date going?  How is the relationship progressing?  Are you both happy?  Are you both having a good time?

 3.  Evaluate and Reevaluate

Pay attention to your date and your own reactions and feelings.  As you spend more and more time together, things will change.  Something that made you happy in the beginning of the relationship may not make you happy six months into the relationship and vice versa.  Reevaluate your relationship often to determine whether it is headed in the right direction.

 4.  Deal With Fear Head-On

Don’t let fear control you.  Face your fears and deal with those deep, dark secrets you keep about yourself and your past.  Maybe you are afraid of abandonment.  Maybe you are uncomfortable with sexuality because of a negative body image.  Deal with it so that it no longer controls you or your relationship.

5.   Be Specific

Often times, when people talk about the other sex, they either gush or are judgmental.  Neither reaction is a healthy one.  Look at the details.  Be specific about who you are, how you feel, where you think the relationship is headed.  Being specific is a great tool for problem-solving as well.

6.   Be Proactive in Your Relationships

Don’t sit by and wait for things to happen to you.  Take action!  Pick up the phone and call.  Suggest another date and suggest the location.  Don’t let someone else make all of the decisions for you.  This is your life…live it!

 7.  Take Responsibility for Yourself and Your Actions

Everyone makes mistakes.  Sometimes, we make mistakes because we are being thoughtless but, most often, we make mistakes because we are clueless…we just didn’t know.  Regardless of the reason for the mistake, own up to it.  When it is clear that you were wrong, take responsibility and apologize.

 8.  Write Things Down

The best way to keep track of your relationship, your feelings, and your date’s actions is to keep a log.  It doesn’t need to be anything fancy…just a hand-written list that helps you to organize your thoughts and evaluate your relationship.

 9.  Be Creative and Have Fun

Your relationship is original.  There is no other relationship exactly like it.  You and your significant other can make the most of your relationship and fashion it around each other and your lives the way you see fit.  Have the courage to have fun together and share who you really are.  Do things together that are exhilarating and exciting.  Live for the moment!

 10.  Do Not Settle for Second Best

Life is full of compromises and any healthy relationship will be based on a willingness to compromise.  However, do not confuse compromise with settling.  If something is really important to you, don’t settle.  Know who you are and what you want and go for it!

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It is important to seriously evaluate your relationship to determine if it has the potential to last the test of time. You need to consider whether or not you are truly compatible with this person. How much time do you spend together and how much do you enjoy your time together? How much do you have in common and how well do you get along? Do you both enjoy doing the same things? Are each of you willing to try new things for the benefit of the other person? Do you like each other’s friends and families?

Once you have determined that you are compatible, you need to conclude that you have similar goals in life. Are you both at the same stage in your life and headed in similar directions? Do you want the same things from the relationship and from life? If you plan on creating a life with someone, it is important that both of you are interested in achieving the same goals and are looking for the same things out of life, i.e. marriage, a career, kids.

Another factor that contributes to whether or not your relationship will be successful is your background. What type of families do each of you come from? Do you both spend the same amount of time with family and put similar amounts of energy into maintaining your relationship with family members? Are your economic and educational backgrounds similar? Do you have the same religious convictions? While not every aspect of your backgrounds has to be identical, it is typically easier to assimilate your life with someone else’s when you are beginning on common ground. If your backgrounds are vastly different, you need to recognize this, discuss it, and accept it in order to continue to build a lasting relationship.

In every relationship, problems arise from time to time and how we deal with these problems is essential to the well-being of our relationships. Consider how you react to solving problems. Are you a control freak or are you afraid of confrontation? Do you and your significant other listen to each other in order to negotiate a solution? Are you able to solve problems and move on or do you insult each other during a fight and sulk afterwards? The more proactive that each of you is in solving problems cooperatively, the healthier your relationship will be.

A successful relationship is not born but made. It is based on conscious decisions and choices and, of course, love. But, romantic love alone, is not enough to sustain a long-term relationship or marriage. As we already discussed, those feelings of lust and excitement fade and so do the feelings of being “in love”. Real love, the kind that stands the test of time, is built. It is a choice and a commitment to stand by another individual no matter what happens. To love someone means to consciously choose to be committed to that person each and every day of your life for the rest of your life. Finding that special someone and committing to them is hard work and the reward is the privilege of love.

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Stage One is what we refer to as Start Up and lasts from approximately the first date through the first month.  During this time, you are on your absolute best behavior and work diligently to make a good impression.  You wear your best clothes, keep breath mints at arm’s length, shine your shoes, pluck your eyebrows and are meticulous about your overall appearance.

Stage Two, commonly referred to as Getting Going, spans from one to three months.  You are becoming more comfortable with your date and no longer stress over every aspect of your appearance.  You are relaxed enough to be yourself and even offer your date a breath mint instead of just sneaking one for yourself. 

Stage Three encompasses months three to six and has been coined Increasing Speed.  It is during this stage that you have determined that you definitely like each other a lot.  The physical and emotional attraction are peaking and it is hard to keep your hands off of each other.  You feel comfortable enough with your date to invite them over to your home even when it isn’t clean and you even wear comfortable clothes rather than spiffy ones.

Stage Four is what we have termed Cruising and lasts from six to nine months.  You are free to sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride.  You love each other even though you may not have vocalized it yet.  You have had the chance to see each other’s flaws and you find them adorable rather than maddening.  You are officially in a serious relationship at this point and you start to visualize your future with this person.

In the early stages of dating, you are dealing with lust which is very compelling and often confusing and dangerous.  Lust can lead people to make irrational and rash decisions.  Don’t let lust persuade you to race into something you are not ready for.  Take the time to get to know each other and enjoy each other’s company.  Enjoy the beginning stages of your relationship rather than racing ahead full speed.  Eventually, the lust will fade and if you haven’t taken the time to get to know each other, and deeper feelings have not had a chance to develop, the fading of lust will also mean the fading of your relationship.

During these beginning stages, the temptation to get ahead of yourself is strong but resist it.  Keep yourself in the present moment.  Take one day at a time and one date at a time.  Do not fantasize about your future together or put all of your wants and desires into your date.  Enjoy what you have at the present point in time, not what you could or should have in the future.

Be patient.  You can’t make someone fall in love with you and you can’t rush it either.  Love is about trust and time.  It really takes time to fully trust someone and love is built on trust.  Love is about acceptance, giving as well as receiving, warmth, companionship, and shared goals.  It’s truly caring for someone in the deepest sense of the word, not in spite of their flaws.

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There are certain things that you should tell your date immediately.  Specifically, if there is anything about yourself or your past that could affect any long-term relationship prospects, it is best to get it out in the open as soon as possible.  Waiting until the relationship progresses before sharing such information is a mistake because you jeopardize ruining a relationship that you have invested time, energy, and emotion into.  Information that should be shared within the first four to five dates includes previous marriages, kids, previous bankruptcies, etc.  Realistically, all of us are a bit cautious about what we share in the beginning of a relationship because we want to be liked but sooner or later the real you has to come out and the sooner the better.  The more truthful you are from the start, the better your relationship will be.

In the beginning stages of a new relationship, the two of you need to establish the ground rules together.  You need to get a feel for who both of you are and what you want from the relationship.  When sharing feelings and opinions, it is perfectly normal and appropriate to be a bit cautious initially.  Think before you speak.  Get some perspective on your feelings before sharing them and decide logically what you should share.  Certain things are best kept to yourself including details of past loves, sexual experiences,  previous hospitalizations, your friends’ opinions of your date, and any type of gossip.  Share feelings and emotions that are important indicators of who you are and what you want from a relationship.

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If your date wasn’t terrible but wasn’t perfect either, evaluate what happened.  Did you do something wrong?  If so, call and apologize to clear the air.  If nothing specific happened but the date just didn’t go as well as you had hoped it would, take some time to reflect on the situation.  Don’t call right away because if you haven’t thought things through, this could worsen a tenuous situation.  Call if and when you decide that you like the person and you want to see them again to get to know them better, not because you feel guilty.  Call when you have had the chance to determine what you can do differently next time.

The day after a wonderful date can be both exciting and nerve-racking for one reason, in particular.  Women and men have completely different concepts of the post-date period and what constitutes an appropriate time lapse before initiating the second contact.  Therefore the hours and days following a first date are full of opportunities for misunderstanding and miscommunication.

Specifically, when a guy says, “I’ll call you soon” after a first date, the woman assumes that “soon” means tomorrow.  However, “soon” to him, most likely means sometime when he has a free moment in the next week or two.  Thus, the female is hovering over the phone waiting for it to ring while the guy hasn’t even thought about calling yet.  By the time he usually gets around to calling, she is fuming because she has been waiting and waiting for him to call and nothing.  As a result, she is irritated and short-tempered during their conversation and things can easily go awry.

On the other hand, if the woman decides she doesn’t want to wait for him to call and phones him the next day; that can lead to issues as well.  He is probably thinking, “Wow, she really wants me.  This means SEX!”.  In actuality, she is simply saying that she had a nice time and she would like to see him again.  As you can see, there are many opportunities for mistakes so it is important to understand what’s going on from the female and male point of view.

Now, our advice for guys would be, ‘Don’t wait as long as you normally would before calling’.  If you do intend to call her “soon”, call her within one or two days and you are guaranteed to make a lasting impression.  For females, don’t call as quickly as you ordinarily would.  Wait at least twice as long before picking up the phone and when he does call, relax and be happy that he called rather than irritated that it took him so long to do so.  Last but not least, the best way to avoid the above scenario is to arrange date number two before the end of date number one if things have gone well. If your second date is pre-arranged, there is no reason for anyone to sit by the phone, fretting and no possibility for misunderstandings or mistakes.

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Were you dreading the date from the beginning and obsessing about how you would come off?  Are you trying to find the hidden meaning in everything your date says or does?  If you answered yes to these questions, then you need to look for the signs to determine whether or not your date really hates you or if you are just being paranoid. 

Common warning signs of a potentially lousy date are lack of eye contact, unresponsiveness, and apparent anxiety or sadness on the part of your date.  If you find yourself laughing alone a lot, you have to explain and re-explain punch lines, and your date is monopolizing the conversation and focusing solely on themselves, you can probably assume that you are not being paranoid and your date really is not interested.

If you feel that your date is not going well, you may want to just come out and ask.  While this can be uncomfortable, it will either set your mind at ease or confirm your suspicions and either way, it is better to know the truth and move on, if necessary.  Simply say, “I’m sensing that you are not having a good time” or “are we not clicking or is it just me?”  Let them know that you would appreciate their honesty and that, either way, you can still be friends.

Alternatively, what do you do if you hate your date?  If you feel that your date is having a good time but you are not, be polite.  Employ strategies to make it through the evening without hurting your date’s feelings.  Think about three things that you like about your date and concentrate on these attributes.  Maintain eye contact, continue conversing freely, listen attentively, and be nice.  It is only one evening and you don’t have to see the person again if you choose not to.

If you have not enjoyed your date, be honest with the other person.  When the night has come to an end, tactfully tell your date that, while you enjoyed their company, you think that your lives are headed in very different directions and you just don’t think this will work out.  Put yourself in your date’s shoes and consider how you would want to receive this information and act accordingly.

While it is disappointing for both parties when a date that you were anticipating doesn’t work out, all is not lost.  There are lessons to be learned from every interaction and situation that you find yourself in.  Turn this into an opportunity to evaluate what went wrong so you can prevent making the same mistakes in the future.  Evaluate your expectations and your behavior.  Did you have unrealistic expectations from the beginning?  Were you constantly comparing your date to an ex or to an ideal image of that perfect person?  What went wrong?  What qualities did your date possess that really turned you off?  What could you have done differently?  Understanding what went wrong allows you to change the pattern and move in a positive direction so that your next date is a successful one.

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Make the most of the place you have picked whether it is a restaurant, movie or outside event. If you have chosen a restaurant as the locale for your first date, eat!  Everyone is more comfortable when they can actually enjoy their meal and eat what they would normally eat.  Do not order a side salad as your main course.  Order whatever sounds the most appetizing to you and eat it using your manners…use a fork, chew with your mouth closed, and make use of your napkin.  Be sure that you keep your drinking under control.  You don’t want to be slurring your words and telling your deepest, darkest secrets halfway through your date.

If you have chosen a movie or play, be open to discussing it afterwards.  If you attend a sporting event or outside event, you can relate to each other in the midst of the activity.  You are not necessarily the center of attention here so it is a bit easier to be relaxed and talk now and then, not continuously. Regardless of the activity you choose, don’t be afraid of silences.  Everyone worries about not having anything to say but it is completely unnecessary.  You already know everything you need to know about yourself so the idea is to get to know as much as possible about your date.  If you continue to ask questions regarding your date’s likes, preferences and lifestyle, you will never be at a loss for words.

Now, what about flirting and body language?  It is essential to be able to interpret body language in order to gauge how your date is reacting to you.  If your date is leaning forward, relaxing their posture, maintaining good eye contact, touching lightly and nodding, then those are all positive signs that your date is into you.  If your date is crossing their arms, nodding too frequently, putting their hands to their mouth or yawning, then they are probably not having a good time and are not all that interested.  Keep these aspects of body language in mind for yourself as well and contemplate what your body language is saying to your date.

When all is said and done, the end of the night is crucial!   How you end the date can determine whether or not you will date again and whether your date will get the message loud and clear.  If the date has gone well, you want the end of your first date to be the beginning of a wonderful relationship.  Conversely, if the date has not gone well, you want the end of the date to be the end! 

Assuming your date has been successful, you want to mention date number two before the end of date number one.  Ideally, you want to seal it with a kiss.  You can tell if a woman is interested in a kiss if she faces you, tilts her head upward, parts her lips slightly, and looks into your eyes.  If a guy is interested in ending the date with a kiss, he will position his body between you and the door, act nervous and yet show no signs of visibly ending the date, tilt his head upward, and lick his lips.  Read the signs and go for it.

On the other hand, if you are not exactly sure where you want this date to go, tell your date you had a good time but that you need a little time to sort things out because your head is spinning.  Thank them and end the date politely and give yourself a little bit of time to mull things over.  The day after the date, you may feel differently and will be in a better state to make an informed decision at that point.

If you had an absolutely terrible time and never want to see the person again, don’t say that you will call.  Although it is tempting to end the date on a positive note and spare your date’s feelings, saying you will call when you know you won’t only delays the inevitable and will likely lead to even more heartbreak.  Tell your date that you enjoyed meeting them but that you don’t think you are compatible based on your vastly differing lifestyles or goals.  Be considerate of their feelings but make it clear that you are not interested in dating them in the future.

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I am sure you have heard the age-old adage that “looks don’t matter, it’s what’s on the inside that counts” thousands of times but don’t be fooled.  When it comes to first dates, looks definitely matter!  While your outside appearance is, overall, the least important aspect of who you are, it is the most important aspect of an initial impression.  Your date will initially evaluate you based on your appearance because that is obviously the first thing they see.

First impressions count so make sure your date will have a good one by taking the time to look your best.  Prepare what you’re wearing, how you smell, and your overall appearance before you leave the house so you don’t have to waste any time concentrating on it during your date.  There is no absolute right or wrong when it comes to what you wear or your own personal sense of style but there are various factors that should be taken into consideration when preparing your wardrobe. 

First, comfort is crucial.  Select an outfit that you feel comfortable in and that fits you well.  Avoid showing too much skin and plan on perspiring so avoid clingy fabrics.  Wear something that you feel great in and an outfit that family or friends have commented on in the past.  Pay attention to detail.  Did you shine your shoes?  Did you tuck in your tag and check for hanging threads?  Do your socks match and does your belt match your shoes?  Dress your age and appropriately for the location of the date.

Next, good hygiene is absolutely essential.  All people use their five senses to evaluate a potential mate and your date is no exception.  Be absolutely sure that you shower, wash your hair, brush and floss, clip or file your nails, shave, apply deodorant and wear freshly laundered clothes. 

While you are preparing your outside for your date, you should also give equal attention to your inside and by this, we mean reducing stress.  Understand that stress is a natural reaction to an unknown scenario and a perfectly normal feeling.  Rather than let stress take over, control it by preparing yourself emotionally.  Have three questions ready that you can ask your date to get the conversation started.  Conversely, prepare three things about yourself that you want to share such as what line of work you are in, a current event or two, what you did that day, what movies you have seen lately, etc.  Avoid taboo topics such as sex, religion, politics, your exes and focus on light-hearted conversation such as friends or places you may have in common, popular culture, the location of the date, etc.  Lastly be considerate and make sure that you are either ready when they have agreed to pick you up or that you are to the date location on time.  Nobody likes to be kept waiting, especially on a first date, when nerves run high.

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The first step is to call the other person in order to arrange a date.  Relax a bit and don’t get yourself too nervous before you’ve even gone out on a date.  During your first conversation, keep things short and casual.  Introduce yourself and always offer options about the date.  These options should include a couple of different days, times, activities and transportation methods.  A plan with several distinct possibilities offers a better chance of success.  This way, your date has the ability to choose the particular day and time that is most convenient and has a couple of options to select from so they are comfortable with the setting for the first date.

In terms of picking the place for your first date, there are certainly some key factors to keep in mind.  First of all, be sure to pick a place that you enjoy.  This ensures that at least one person will be comfortable in that setting and it gives some insight into who you are and what you like.  Secondly, do not pick an activity that can’t be easily afforded by all.  The last thing you want to do is worry all night about how you are paying for the evening or make your date nervous that they will be expected to chip in for something they can’t afford.  Third, select a location that is easy to get to and one where it is easy for you to talk without getting thrown out or drowned out by the surrounding noise.

While it is nice for a date to be exciting, leave some time to talk and get to know each other.  A date that is full of activity keeps you busy but also keeps you from talking which is the primary means of getting to know each other.  Lastly, select an activity that lasts only a couple of hours.  That way, if either one of you is definitely not interested, the meeting is only brief and if both of you are fully-enthralled with each other, this will leave you wanting more which is the essence of a great date.

A few ideas for good first dates are as follows:

1. Museums – a great place to casually get to know each other while wandering the halls looking at exhibits
2. Walks – walks can be combined with many other date activities such as dinner, lunch, an outdoor picnic, the movies and more.  You can take walks almost anywhere and it is a relaxing way to chat.
3. Street fairs – great outdoor activity where plenty of other people are around, nothing is too expensive, and there are lots of things to talk about
4. Outdoor activities – any outdoor activity including sporting events, zoos, county or state fairs, amusement parks, and concerts are ideal settings for a first date.  You can talk easily because you are outside¸ everything feels more relaxed, plenty of other people are around, and you can dress casually and comfortably.
5. Movies or a play – while many people go to the movies on their first date, this can be tricky because you want to talk to get to know one another but you are not allowed to talk in the movie theater.  Thus, if you choose a movie, make sure you also have plans for coffee or a drink afterwards so you get a chance to know each other and, of course, you can talk about the movie or play.
6. Dinner – while going out to eat is the most common first date activity, it does not have to be routine.  You can put a personal spin on the restaurant idea by picking a restaurant that you are familiar with because familiarity portrays confidence.  Similarly, you can pick an interesting and unique restaurant with a particular theme and nightly entertainment.  Conversely, a coffeehouse is always a great date location because the atmosphere is relaxed and casual which are key ingredients to a successful first date.

Of course, there are various other locations for an ideal first date.  The few listed above are simply a starting place.

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 First and foremost, the best way to have fun dating is to be relatively happy before you begin.  The crucial factor isn’t doing everything in your power to get someone else to like you but making sure that you kind of like yourself to begin with.  If you are comfortable with who you are, others will be comfortable around you.  

 The most important aspect of this comfortability is confidence.  If you are going to date, you need to go for it.  Fear can paralyze you and prevent you from attaining the best things in life.  If you have a basic faith in yourself, you have confidence.  Even when you’re not exactly sure, pretend you’re not afraid and pretty soon, you’re really not afraid.

 Begin by building confidence on the inside.  Inventory all of the things that you do well.  Every single person does something well and if you concentrate on that, then you can build a stronger foundation of confidence.  Then, move to confidence building on the outside.  Develop your own sense of style, liven up your wardrobe, wear something that you know you look good in on a first date.  Have faith in yourself and convey that to others through your outward appearance and mannerisms.  Shake hands firmly, stand up straight, smile, make eye contact, really listen to what others have to say and react.  Remember, people who don’t know you will accept the picture of yourself that you present until they know better.

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