Two Becomes One

Codependency, Not As Cute As You Think

Posted on September 21, 2009 by Two Becomes One

We have probably all heard the love songs, “Can’t liiiiive if liiiivin’ is withoooout you!” and all sorts of really tear jerking songs about how much someone needs another person. You may know a couple who seems attached at the hip, or possibly you have a partner or maybe even are that partner- the one that just cannot get enough of the other person. But when does it go from an adorable infatuation and playful remarks to a scary slide into something that makes you want to gnaw your own leg off?

Jealousy Isn’t Flirting

Advising a couple a few years back, I was confronted with a puzzling problem from one woman- she felt that the man she was dating really didn’t care about her, because he didn’t react to her talking to other men. Now, first off, the fact that she was seeking some sort of reaction was a little disturbing, but that aside- jealousy isn’t a sign of caring. Jealousy is a sign of insecurity, and insecurity a sign of a distinct lack of trust. On both sides of this- it is not a compliment. It is actually inferring something rather nasty about one partner’s faith in the other partner’s abilities in staying faithful and honest. Excuse it away by saying “It’s not you I don’t trust, it’s them” all you like, it’s still wrong and it is definitely not attractive. It is an unhealthy expression of insecurity, that is it and that is all.

‘Cause You’re Scared To Lose

When you get into the realm of the codependent, it can become a convoluted sort of slippery slope. Of course everyone wants to feel loved, wanted and needed. However, the slide comes in when “I need you because I love you” is instead, “I love you because I need you”. On occasion this manifests itself in one partner taking on a more caregiving role- and, in doing so completely avoiding dealing with any issues they may have because it feels good to be needed on that level. However, this sort of need is not healthy, and is something that should be avoided. If you are dealing with an overwhelming fear of losing your partner and the feelings of insecurity that come with that- you may want to seek a little help. If you are seeing the signs of this manifest in your partner there is no reason to end things- there is hope and this is the sort of thing that can be worked through and resolved.

No one deserves to feel like they are another person’s property. Sometimes, a codependent relationship can lapse into a more unhealthy verbally or physically abusive relationship. If you are seeing some red flags of this in your own relationship, do take some steps to resolve the issues or seek some sort of outside help with that.

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