Two Becomes One

Dealing with a jealous partner

Posted on October 15, 2009 by Two Becomes One

Understanding that first and formost, jealousy is not an appropriate sign of affection is key- true, jealousy is natural and many people feel it at some point or another. However, if you are one of those people who feels that jealousy is a way that your partner shows they care, you need to reevaluate a few things. It isn’t. What jealousy says is that they do not feel that they can trust you on some level- and sure it is wonderful to feel like we are a desirable person but there are much healthier ways to go about it than acting on negative feelings.

Talking About Jealousy

If your partner is expressing jealousy to you, there is a right way and a wrong way to talk about it. First of all, if you have a partner who is expressing jealousy in abusive ways- insults and attempts to isolate are very bad. They are red flags that have to be addressed, not pushed under the rug. Make sure that your partner is simply insecure and not bordering on abusive. If it is simply a case of insecurity, you may want to talk about the reasons behind that insecurity- and what you can both do to come together to make it better. It may mean seeking out individual or couples’ counseling depending on the level of insecurity expressed or where that comes from exactly. Also bear in mind often this insecurity honestly has nothing to do with you- but something long seated that may be needing addressed and healed so that your partner can move on and be happy.

When you are discussing jealousy, be sure to keep your partner on track- they need to be talking about their feelings and owning them for what they are, not focused on your behavior and placing blame, which can be a hard things at times to avoid. Helping them to communicate without blaming, without attacking you is difficult, as you also are trying to maintain a rational, calm and clear line of communication as well, so this is where some do find that couples’ counseling or a mediator can be very useful.

Your partner needs to understand that their behaviors are not healthy, and that they are causing you hurt as well as hurting themselves- and if you cannot express this in a healthy, calm way yourself- you’re going to have a problem. So, before you engage in this sort of discussion make sure you, yourself are not angry.

Being able to work through having a jealous partner is not easy and it often takes a mutual commitment to making the relationship work and helping ease the insecurities. However, do not take this to mean that you have to isolate yourself in order to help them to feel less insecure- you do not. You do, however need to help them to see that these insecurities they have can be dealt with and that they can be happier and more secure in the relationship via very open communication and occasional compromise.