Two Becomes One

Dealing With Disappointment

Posted on February 20, 2011 by Two Becomes One

Almost all of us have some romanticized image of what the perfect relationship should be. For most of us, that ideal is centered around what we value most – what our priorities are. Some people focus on the security of wealth, some consider emotional support more important. Some prefer the comfort of a stable, uneventful life, others prefer the excitement and adventure of a more nomadic existence. Since everyone is unique in how they view the world, the combinations of ideal characteristics are near infinite.
When seeking for potentially long-term partners we try to look for individuals who share and/or embody our specific ideals. This is a natural part of the relationship process. It is part of the attraction that brings us together into couples.
It is when people rush into relationships and make long-term commitments to those who lack that compatibility of values that problems arise. Conflicting ideals create friction and resentment that can chip away at a relationship over time, ultimately causing it to crumble. Thus the need to be selective about who we pair with.
Many people discover this need for selectivity the hard way. The national average of a 50% divorce rate attests to this sad truth. If seeking out a compatible mate is natural, some would say instinctual even, why do so many people end up in incompatible, doomed relationships?
Though there are many things that contribute to imbalanced and broken relationships, in regard to the ideals we are discussing here there are two main issues: inflexibility and projection. Projection, by far, is the most common of the two. Almost everyone does it to some extent or another.
When we first begin to feel those pleasurable chemical reactions that are the tale-tell signs of deep infatuation our perception of the other person changes radically. We start to see them as the fitting the image of the perfect partner you had envisioned, or at the very least as coming close to meeting the ideals. However, this view is based more on chemical reaction in the brain than based on reality. Even if previous pre-infatuation interactions indicate that the person lacks those characteristic, we may overlook them as our mind tries to re-envision that person as the ideal partner. Instead of truly seeing the person we project an idealized image onto them, often carrying expectations that the other can never hope to measure up to.
Eventually, as the hormonal rampage subsides, we begin to see the person for who they are (actually, we most often begin to grow resentments and project negative attributes onto the person first, but that’s a topic for another article). This is the crucial juncture wherein a long-term relationship can be built or annihilated. This is where flexibility comes into play.
When faced with the reality that our significant other is not the perfect person we thought they were we have to make a decision. Are the areas where he or she doesn’t measure up to significant to overlook any longer, or is there room for compromise. Being flexible — being open to changing, growing and developing new ideals — is absolutely the only way to maintain a long-term relationship. The fact is, whether to a great extent or a lesser one, every relationship reaches this point eventually. It is the ability to be flexible, the ability to accept that your partner is human just like you and, thus, not perfect, that really makes or breaks a relationship.

Check out Two of Us Dating or visit Two of Us Dating Service