Well, let’s start be defining listening. The kind of listening that I am talking about is not the relatively simple process of sound waves vibrating small bones in your head and transmitting impulses to your brain for decoding. In fact, the kind of listening I am referring to does not require that you be able to hear at all. When I say that listening is a fundamental characteristic for successful relationships I am talking about the ability to be attentive and responsive in a conversation.

For our purposes here, we will be excluding the physical aspect of the mechanics of sound and focusing, instead, on the aspect of signals being interpreted by the brain. In essence, what we are concerned with here is understanding in the realm of interpersonal communication (i.e. having a discussion). It doesn’t matter what medium that a conversation happens in, be it verbal, through writing, online, etc. The same set of listening skills apply to all possible forms of communication.

Why Listen?

It seems that many people (especially males) are of the mindset that listening when someone is speaking directly to them is optional. Rather than participate in the conversation they reply with disinterested grunts and nods. Many have developed the skill of pretending to listen to an art form – so much so that some are capable of having entire, lengthy conversations on profound subjects without ever uttering an intelligible word or, in fact, even having the slightest idea what was being discussed.

While the ability to seem attentive while not actually paying attention is a useful defense mechanism to prevent insanity in long office meetings. However, it has little place in the realm of personal relationships. Tuning your boss out may save your sanity, tuning your girlfriend out may wreck your relationship.

The problem is, many guys practice not listening for so long that they forget how to listen. If you are one of those guys, or if you just need a bit of a refresher course on what real listening is, then read on.

Listening begins, odd though it may seem, before the a conversation ever takes place. Listening to someone implies that you respect them and their opinions. Read that again – ‘that you respect them”. Not, “that you pretend to respect them.” You decide by deciding that you respect them and their thoughts/beliefs/feelings. If you cannot respect someone enough to listen or care about them enough to value their thoughts and opinions then you probably shouldn’t be dating them.

Proper listening is active listening. You have to be engaged in the conversation. This means more than making grunts or shaking your head. It requires that you respond to questions appropriately, ask questions yourself and interject thoughts of your own. Repeating back what was said to you in the form of a question asking for clarification or in other ways shows that you really are paying attention, not just blankly waiting for the talking to stop so you can get back to whatever you were doing. Paying closer attention in conversations leads to closer relationships.

The mental act of seeing your ideals in another person is called projection. Much like a movie projector cast the images from a film strip onto a screen so that you can no longer distinguish the screen itself, we project out desires onto the person we are infatuated with, obscuring important facets of who that person really is.

In a sense, this emotional illusion is wonderful. It allows us to feel the tingling excitement, the burning passion, the delicious ache of new romance. The tendency to project plays a major role in developing human relationships. For some, the projections are massive and sweeping, essentially reshaping the other person from the ground up. For others they are very minor and take the form more of glossing over faults rather than actually giving the other person characteristics that he or she doesn’t actually have.

Whether the projection of infatuation are great or small, one thing is absolutely certain beyond any doubt. Without fail, those projected characteristics will fade. Eventually the raging hormones dwindle and the deluges of dopamine and norepinephrine subside. It is then that we begin the transition from infatuation to true love, if that actually connection has been made.

Unfortunately, projection works both ways. There is a negative side. Most often, the negative aspect of projection is equal to the degree of positive projection that occurred during the infatuation phase. It starts with feelings of hurt, disappointment and, ultimately, resentment that the other person failed to live up to the unrealistic expectations that you placed on them. This, in and of itself, is enough to end many relationships.
If the relationship does endure, it enters into the stage of negative projection. You begin to project your own flaws, the faults in yourself that bother you the most, onto the other person. This phase can last much longer than the positive projection phase of infatuation does. In fact, some couple never move past this phase and continue it indefinitely.

However, in a truly healthy relationship both sides will eventually realize that those negative projections are not any more realistic than the ideal projections of the infatuation period. When we accept that we are projecting things we need to change in ourselves we can begin to grow personally and as a couple. It is then that we finally are able to see our now long-term partner as they truly are – a necessity for a loving, healthy relationship. This, then, is the true “look of love”.

However, if you are looking for love but are crippled by worries, self-doubt, fear of rejection, fear of failure or any of the myriad other emotional roadblocks that keep people from pursuing happiness (that is to say – if you are normal) then read on.  This one if for the underdog and self-imposed exile.  It is especially relevant because the insecure and anxious would-be lovers of the world far outnumber the dashing Romeos and runway models.

What is the one thing that, more than anything else, determines whether or not you walk across that room to introduce yourself to that perfect person?  What is the one thing that, more than anything else, determines whether that person responds favorably or is dismissive?  As you may already know (or have at least guess from the title) the key ingredient is confidence.

Without confidence in yourself you could never work up the nerve to go talk to that special someone.  If you don’t feel good about yourself then it isn’t very likely that you expect other people to think highly of you either.  On the contrary, you will expect them to take as dim of an opinion of you as you have of yourself.

In fact, even if you did manage to find the strength to overcome your initial inertia, if you lack confidence it is likely that the person really will take a dim view of you.  That isn’t any reflection on your worth as an individual.  It is just a statement of fact.  When you have low self-esteem or doubt yourself it comes across in your body language, mannerisms and speech.  The very way that you carry yourself screams, “I think I’m a loser.”

When someone new meets you, all they have to go on in forming an opinion of you is what you present.  If you approach someone without confidence, you might as well walk up to them and say, “Hi, I am someone who has nothing to offer you.”  Obviously, that tactic won’t find much success.

This is why confidence is so important.  Unfortunately, this area is where people most often mess up.  The go about things backwards.  They try to get their sense of self-worth from their relationships, when they need that sense of confidence before pursuing a relationship.  Thus, so many end up settling for less than they deserve (and seldom finding any real sense of self-worth from those unsatisfying relationships).

The key to a good, fulfilling relationship is to develop confidence first.  If you lack confidence, work on yourself before seeking out a relationship.  Once you feel good about you and are confident in yourself you will find that a whole new world of relationship potential is open to you.

You don’t want to limit your dating frequency, especially if you are in that intense period between “just dating” and “committed”.  You also don’t want to look cheap.  So what do you do?

If you’re lucky, you’re with someone who is happy with McDonalds and bowling.  Then again, maybe “lucky” isn’t quite the word.  Sometimes  you really do get what you pay for.  Fortunately, it is possible to economize without having to sacrifice the quality of your dates (and your romantic interests).  All it takes is a little bit of imagination.  So put away your wallet and put on your thinking cap.

If you are smart, you can find ways of turning otherwise lame dates into something special without increasing their cost.  For example:  staying in together, renting a movie and ordering pizza can be fine every once in a while but if you do that more than one weekend in a row then you might as well start measuring your relationship for a casket, because it’s in its death throes.

On the other hand, you can turn a lame dinner at home into a really special date if you are willing to put down the phone and pick up a pan.  For less than the cost of a pizza you can get everything you need to make a first-class meal at home.  Even if you can’t cook, a rotisserie chicken from your grocer’s deli section, and some heat-and-serve sides will beat a pizza any day.  Buy a couple of 50 cent candles, through on some classical music or some light jazz and you’ve turned your dull staying-in night into a romantic candle-lit dinner.

It will also serve you well to investigate local happenings.  While we don’t suggest hitting up live music performances at bars (unless you don’t plan to spend money on drinks), most communities have other free or low-cost activities year-round.  For instance:  look up your local community theater(s).  Tickets can often be had for a fraction of the cost of movie tickets and there is a certain enhanced quality that live theater has over the movies that makes it a much more special date.

If you think outside of the realm of your standard date activities and find inexpensive ways to spice up your low-cost activities,  you can save your credit and your relationship.  Of course, there’s no harm at all in putting some of the money you’ve been saving through frugal dating and putting it toward a pricey night out on the town.  Just remember to take the bus instead of a cab.  It’s much cheaper!

Steer clear of the negative. You have probably been around them, the people who only ever seem to have negative things to say? You do not want to be one of those people and yet- are you? Think about the things you say. It is one thing to sometimes crack a joke about bad service but when you complain about everything, start to finish- you have a problem. Check the things you say before you say them and think about how you might try to rephrase them a little bit. Sometimes you may surprise yourself with how negative you may come across. The thing is, when you constantly complain about other things- particularly if you’re the type that complains about other people- the person you are with may be wondering what you are saying about them when they aren’t around. Be careful to choose your words in a little bit different light.

Go for the positive, pay the compliment if you feel like it. If you find that you want to say how pretty the color looks on her, or how great he smells- go ahead and say so. It isn’t like you’re staring at her blouse, or you are sniffing him up and down, you are simply letting them know that you appreciate the way they look, smell, or other complimentary things. It is always a great idea to talk about the good things that you see, or perhaps the more positive aspects of the date you are on but particularly, complimenting your date. If you are warm and approachable with the way that you relate to your date, you will find that they approach you- makes sense and sounds a little obvious, but some people don’t understand this one simple thing can be a dealbreaker.

Making an impression is easy- but which impression you make is where you find yourself having to choose your words. Even if you have prepared for this date and done everything else, all of your preparations will fall flat if you are overly negative and critical of the things around you. If the service is bad- crack a joke but don’t lose your temper and certainly do not be nasty or rude to the waiter. There is absolutely no need to bully a food service person- it is not impressive, nor does it show that you will defend your date- it shows you are mean and rude. There is no need to constantly complain about everything the entire night- even if you think you are making jokes, an occasional joke is funny, but if you find yourself in a steady stream of mean spirited jokes- it’s time for new materiel.

On the whole, you will find if you focus on the positive aspects of your date and the date itself, things will be much more enjoyable, and also your date will find you more enjoyable.

Let’s start with the basics- the very first thing anyone’s going to look at when they look at your profile is your profile photo. It is important that this be something classy- or at least not above the board out there. For some reason, some people think that shirtless photos make great profile photos- they don’t, not for either gender. If you’re male, you want to have a shirt on in your profile no matter how great your pecs look, same goes for females- bikini tops can be saved for other photos, but not your default profile picture. In the summer months it can be tempting to post photos like that from your days by the pool, or your trip to the lake, even- but don’t, as mentioned, save that for other photos. Your default needs to be something a little more dressed, but laid back. You need to be alone in your dating profile photo, and ensure that the lighting is appropriate. The best profile shots show your face, close enough so that it’s easy to see. Extreme close ups do not make good default photos.

Your about me, is next- this is going to be where you talk about yourself. Now, we have all seen the two big offenders: someone either says “I hate these things, just ask me”, or there’s a book. You don’t want to do either of those things. Begin with a short couple of sentences about what you like- there usually is a place to do this in keywords, but here, flesh it out a little. You can also list what you would like in a potential partner, if there is not a separate place for it- but avoid being crass or rude. If you have kids or pets, you can talk about them in this area, and you can talk about what you do for work, what you like to do in your free time- just something brief to give a better picture of what you are like as a person.

If there is a section that asks what you are looking for- never, ever use swear words or vulgar language on a dating site. Unless the site is geared towards situations where those words are appropriate- they will put off potential dates and could cause you a problem in the long run.

A bit more honest? This may strike some as funny, because we have all heard the jokes about people thinking they were meeting someone who looked a certain way, and then, come to find out someone was using a photo of themselves from ten years ago or something- but this does not happen often. Anymore, with web cams and other things, it is much harder for those types to sneak through and many places that host online dating have checks to ensure that this is something that does not happen.

The other thing is now, that people realize just how well you can communicate with people online and how much easier it can be to get to know someone- they simply just don’t act dishonestly in that way. More and more people are looking to online formats, checking out various social networking sites, blogs and photo hosting sites so that they can make the connections they are hoping to have. This makes for an easier way to get to know someone- no more awkward first dates where nobody knows what to say- no, now, you can get to know someone quite deeply before you even meet up, which makes for easier conversations. This is also one of the big benefits of meeting up with someone online- if you find that the two of you just simply have nothing in common, you find that out much faster than you would in person. After all, think about the blind date where you nervously got dressed and ready- not sure what to wear, not sure how to dress in any sense, then, you had to fumble for conversation only to find out that this just was not someone you were compatible with.

This is no longer a problem with getting to know someone online, first. When communication is online based initially it is very easy to find out if someone has anything in common with you, or if they have nothing at all to talk about with you. Sometimes, you find that you meet someone online who in person- you may not have even considered talking to, and they turn out to be someone great and a good connection is made.

On the whole, online dating has evolved a great deal and become something totally different than it was in the beginning. This has become an incredibly useful way to make sure that your first date is absolutely the most fun it could be, and that many dates follow.

First of all, you swapped numbers or got a number because this person was interested in getting to know you and possibly dating. In waiting three days, you are essentially making that person wait for three days to find out if you are also interested, and that can be nerve wracking. There is no need to put someone through three days of wondering if they did the right thing in giving you their number.

So what should you do when you call someone up for the first time? The answer is easy. Casual conversation, light and friendly. There is no real pressure here, you are just getting to know someone, and potentially make a new connection. The less nervous you are, the better but you will likely find that as the conversation wears on, you become much less nervous.

Some people are wary of asking someone out on the first phone call, also but there is again, no need for that. Often, giving a phone number or exchanging phone numbers is simply an ice breaker to be able to get a date. So, if you feel like you are ready to ask this person out- do so. The chances are good that is why they gave you their number in the first place.

If the person answers and “cannot talk right now”, do not be put off- this is usually because they honestly cannot talk, other wise, they would not have given you their number in the first place. Simply ask if they want you to call back later and when would be better, or if they would prefer to call you. Doing this ensures you are not sitting around, waiting and wondering what you should do- which, if you were nervous about the phone call in the first place can sometimes be made worse by being told “not right now”. Do not let this get to you, it usually is not personal. There are sometimes when it may be a brush off- generally speaking if you tried once, got told they could not talk, and then can’t get an answer? That’s a pretty good sign that they weren’t interested, but if someone isn’t going to be up front with you, you probably don’t want to be dating them anyway.

So basically, these college rules on dating- the phone rule is out. Do not worry so much about looking over eager- when someone gives you their number, they do so because they want to hear from you in the first place. So go right ahead and call when you want to, and you may just find yourself getting to the first date.

Here’s a tip, if she is racking up your card with drinks on your tab- you may want to steer clear of her. She may or may not go home with you that night, and if that is what you’re looking for, more power to you. If you are looking to meet someone who perhaps could lead to more, it may be a better idea to stagger drinks a little bit. Buying someone drinks isn’t a bad thing, but it’s something that you have to really take into moderation- if you buy too many drinks you may come across as trying to get her drunk and that’s not really where you want to go with it.

Buying a drink is possibly the best way to get someone’s attention in a bar, and it’s also nice. Many women know that going to a bar means they’re going to get drinks bought for them, so how do you know what to order for her and when? If you’re both waiting for the bartender, when she puts in her order, try covering the cost. If she walks away after that, the chances are good she wasn’t someone you would really want to be around, anyway, but most people will at least have a conversation with you at this point.

Another great thing is dancing- now it can be very hard to talk while dancing but once the song is finished, you may want to suggest getting a drink. If you can’t speak over the music, gesture towards the bar- nine times out of ten, you will get what you’re looking for in that. It is really hard to talk in bars where the music is up loud but it can be done and it should be- if you attempt to get her to go some place quieter, you may find that looks a bit bad, so just try to adapt to the noise level where you are.

It is almost always a bad idea to do this more than a couple of times, but “do a shot with me?” is another good way to get talking with someone in a bar. Doing it more than a few times may invite the wrong impression.

Don’t Do It If You Aren’t Ready

There will be many people who may tell you that you just need to get back out there. However, if you do not feel ready to date again- don’t. Go with what feels right to you. Many people need time to heal after a break up and you may just be one of them. Time spent alone can be spent thinking about your own wants and needs and beginning to feel better about yourself. There is nothing wrong with not being ready to get back in the game.

Nothing Serious

For a time, it may be a really good idea to steer clear of serious dating. Most people need time to heal and get over the breakup before trying to dive into another relationship. This is a normal healing process and does not need to be rushed along by trying to bring someone else with their own issues into the mix. This is why many people opt to not date at all, but if you decide you want to get out there and have some fun there are many things to think about in that.

For other people, just having fun may be a good thing but there are some things to remember about dating for fun. You have to be upfront and honest about what you are doing to those you date. If you don’t feel ready for a new relationship and you probably won’t- don’t insinuate that you will. More than being honest with others, be honest with yourself about that. If you know that you are not ready and just want to have fun- there is absolutely nothing wrong with that, but never, ever pretend that it is not the case. Be sure that you are doing things in a manner that is not indicating that you’re looking for someone to rescue, heal or bring you back out of your shell because often, there are people who will look at that like it’s a good start for a new relationship- it really isn’t.

Just because you have had a break up does not mean you are going to be alone forever. Some things don’t work out and that’s fairly normal as well. Do not allow a break up to keep you feeling down on yourself to the point you shut yourself off to future options in dating and in love and you will find that your own healing process goes faster.