Two Becomes One

Getting What You Want

Posted on October 15, 2009 by Two Becomes One

Everyone has their own way of getting what they want and need in a relationship. Being able to pin down how you do things may be able to explain why you aren’t getting your needs met- because if you aren’t, then it is usually one of two things or a combination of both. Either you aren’t expressing your needs and desires very well, or they just aren’t listening- or as said, a combination of both. There are several styles of doing things and we’ll go into a few of those here so that you can ascertain which applies to you.

Being Assertive

Generally speaking, assertive people are getting their needs met. Why? Because unlike the two following styles, they are confident in that they not only deserve to have those things, but they also have mastered the art of compromise. They express themselves plainly and without fear in a well thought out way that is neither offensive nor passive aggressive- assertive is definitely the way to be. An assertive person is a bit more in charge of their own life- not making excuses for the way that they are, or the needs that aren’t getting met. Calmly expressing themselves, an assertive person generally gets their needs met purely because they communicate clearly and well.

Submissive

A submissive personality is one we see more often than not. This is the person who may sigh, may go into the ’silent treatment’ or engage in passive aggressive behavior. What is passive aggressive behavior? It’s self limiting and defeating for one thing, for another, passive aggressive behavior takes many forms but generally at heart it is expecting someone to guess at your feelings based on indirect and usually negative signs and behaviors. If you’re hinting, doing the silent treatment, martyring yourself or throwing out guilt- you’re doing it and you’re doing it wrong. On the other hand, some people who are of the submissive mindset just let things go on until one day, they explode, emotionally. It is not a very healthy way to be.

Aggressive

An aggressive personality can sometimes lead to being a more abusive personality- again, this is a negative behavior pattern. Some people do not realize that there is a big difference between being assertive and being aggressive. Let’s look at an example:
An assertive person will say: “I feel a little bit lonely when you are going out every night without me. Is there some way we can compromise and both be happy here?”
An aggressive person will say: “If you go out without me again it is over and we are through!”
Which do you think is more effective? You may think that the threat works, but all that really does is begin to erode the trust of the relationship and create an environment of fear.

The key to successfully communicating your needs is being able to clearly state what’s wrong- how it impacts you and offer a better way of doing things in an open and rational way.

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