Posted on October 29, 2009 by Two Becomes One
No one likes to be around a person who is constantly complaining. Complaining is usually rooted in dissatisfaction with oneself or a feeling of powerlessness over a particular event, situation, or feeling. When people complain, they often blame others for their problems. Whatever the reason for your complaining, it is a negative reaction and makes everyone around you uncomfortable and miserable. It is particularly detrimental to a relationship when you complain about the person you are dating to other people, especially people they know. This leads to rumors based on gossip and can be very hurtful to the other person. Rather than complain about a situation or person, take a more balanced approach and discuss what is bothering you.
Whining is akin to complaining but commonly involves behaving in a childlike manner. It is usually a result of uneasiness or discontent and is always negative. People who whine can always find something negative to say about everyone and everything and their negativity is infectious. When you whine, you make even the happiest, most energetic people, miserable. Don’t whine! Deal with your discontent over situations and feelings constructively. Think about the positive side of a situation rather than always concentrating on the negative and you will find that you really don’t have a reason to whine.
Every relationship encounters problems now and then and how we deal with those problems determines how healthy our relationship will be and how long it will last. If we deal with problems by talking through them, we are acting proactively and our relationship will be better because of it. If we choose to say nothing at all and let the problem fester and brood, we are pouting. Pouting in the simplest sense is having a pity party for yourself because you haven’t gotten what you wanted, things haven’t turned out the way you would have liked them to, or you have to do something that you’d rather not do. Tell your date what is bothering you and work toward a solution. You will both be happier as a result.
Comparing yourself or your date to others is counterproductive and destroys the intimacy of the moment. When you compare your date to a previous lover or an ideal image that you have created, you are being judgmental and no one appreciates being judged. Live in the present and see each other for whom you are today, not what may be tomorrow or what someone else was yesterday.
When it comes to making someone uncomfortable, screaming is at the top of the list. Hollering at someone is a way of saying “what about me?” very loudly and obnoxiously. Often times, when people are arguing, they raise their voices to the point of screaming out of anger and exasperation. Screaming does not have a single positive outcome. When you are yelling at someone they either scream back at you, pout, shut down completely, or leave. Thus, discuss things that are bothering you in a normal tone of voice and when disagreements arise, deal with them calmly. If you are unable to deal with something without screaming, remove yourself from the situation temporarily until you have had a chance to calm down and are ready to discuss the situation civilly.
Not much needs to be said about swearing. When arguments escalate to a shouting match, curse words are often involved. These words are only meant to hurt and shock the other person and no good can come of them. Watch what you say and speak to others as you want to be spoken to.
Being passive in a relationship means not actively participating or showing no emotion or reaction when one is warranted. Believe it or not, passivity can be very controlling. It can range from allowing your partner to make all of the decisions in the relationship to withholding conversation, intimacy, and love. Passivity normal leads to frantic behavior on the part of the receiver because they are actively trying to determine what the problem is and you are doing nothing. Doing nothing to better your relationship or solve your problems will force the other person to take action and more often than not, that action involves leaving. Participate in your relationship and actively confront problems and deal with them or you will find yourself alone.
8. Saying ‘You Always’ or ‘You Never’
During a disagreement, avoid using the terms “you always” or “you never”. These are sweeping generalizations and only escalate an already volatile situation. When these statements are made, the reason for the initial argument is often forgotten. Both parties become engrossed in going back and forth asserting what each one always does wrong or never does right. These statements are never productive and should be avoided at all costs.
Although it is usually easier to blame the other person for problems in the relationship and arguments that arise, it is not the least bit helpful. Figure out what happened or what went wrong; discuss it with your partner; and solve the problem cooperatively. This way, you can work through it together to ensure that it doesn’t happen again. When it comes down to it, you are personally responsible for every aspect of your life and when something goes wrong, you need to take responsibility for your part in that.
10. Finding Fault
Finding fault is especially damaging to a relationship and incorporates many of the previously mentioned DO NOTS. When you consistently find fault with your partner, it usually involves complaining, whining, passing judgment, and assigning blame. Those who excel in finding fault overlook all of the things that a person does right and concentrate on what he or she does wrong. They are always on the lookout for mistakes or missteps and are quick to capitalize on them when they occur. A person who repeatedly finds fault is one of the most negative types of people to associate with and will surely destroy your self-confidence and self worth. After all, people flourish in the face of praise. People feel good about themselves, their lives, and the world around them when they receive praise. If all someone receives is negative feedback, they will constantly feel negative. That is not what you would want for yourself and you shouldn’t want it for your partner either. Look at the positive traits and characteristics that your partner has and nurture them. Praise them on the little things and the big ones. Let them know that you appreciate them each and every day and that everyone has shortcomings and everyone makes mistakes. That is what makes us people. If you work together , your personalities, positive traits, and not-so-wonderful characteristics will complement each other and you will have a wonderful relationship.
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