Two Becomes One

What to do if…

Posted on September 7, 2009 by Two Becomes One

Some of us are natural-born pessimists and always set ourselves up for disappointment because we assume that someone won’t like us or that things will turn out badly from the start.  So, if this describes you, how do you know if your date really hates you or if you destined yourself to fail by assuming that the date probably wouldn’t work out before it even started? 

Were you dreading the date from the beginning and obsessing about how you would come off?  Are you trying to find the hidden meaning in everything your date says or does?  If you answered yes to these questions, then you need to look for the signs to determine whether or not your date really hates you or if you are just being paranoid. 

Common warning signs of a potentially lousy date are lack of eye contact, unresponsiveness, and apparent anxiety or sadness on the part of your date.  If you find yourself laughing alone a lot, you have to explain and re-explain punch lines, and your date is monopolizing the conversation and focusing solely on themselves, you can probably assume that you are not being paranoid and your date really is not interested.

If you feel that your date is not going well, you may want to just come out and ask.  While this can be uncomfortable, it will either set your mind at ease or confirm your suspicions and either way, it is better to know the truth and move on, if necessary.  Simply say, “I’m sensing that you are not having a good time” or “are we not clicking or is it just me?”  Let them know that you would appreciate their honesty and that, either way, you can still be friends.

Alternatively, what do you do if you hate your date?  If you feel that your date is having a good time but you are not, be polite.  Employ strategies to make it through the evening without hurting your date’s feelings.  Think about three things that you like about your date and concentrate on these attributes.  Maintain eye contact, continue conversing freely, listen attentively, and be nice.  It is only one evening and you don’t have to see the person again if you choose not to.

If you have not enjoyed your date, be honest with the other person.  When the night has come to an end, tactfully tell your date that, while you enjoyed their company, you think that your lives are headed in very different directions and you just don’t think this will work out.  Put yourself in your date’s shoes and consider how you would want to receive this information and act accordingly.

While it is disappointing for both parties when a date that you were anticipating doesn’t work out, all is not lost.  There are lessons to be learned from every interaction and situation that you find yourself in.  Turn this into an opportunity to evaluate what went wrong so you can prevent making the same mistakes in the future.  Evaluate your expectations and your behavior.  Did you have unrealistic expectations from the beginning?  Were you constantly comparing your date to an ex or to an ideal image of that perfect person?  What went wrong?  What qualities did your date possess that really turned you off?  What could you have done differently?  Understanding what went wrong allows you to change the pattern and move in a positive direction so that your next date is a successful one.

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